I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m feeling up and down and then up and down all day long. I need something to keep myself busy, to work towards something. I always had school, work, and volunteering to give me that satisfaction in my adult life. Without any I wonder where my time goes.
People ask me what I do and I try to muster up something interesting but really not much happens. When I say “not much” standing alone it kills the conversation. People talk about what they do, what they like and don’t like, and for people who do things those topics change daily. Whereas my life just kind of stays the same. Oh “I watched some Youtube/Movies, I was reading stuff online, I listened to music and cleaned, I hung out with this person (my boyfriend because all of my friends around my age don’t live close to me), I had a doctor appointment, I’m going to have this procedure/surgery done in a bit…”
So why haven’t I gotten involved in anything?
The truth is I haven’t felt up to it for months. March has been my best month of this year. I feel like September has second place potential.
March was the month I felt like my old self again, appearance and energy wise. It was so great to feel normal even though a little different with an end ileostomy.
September is coming into second place because I feel good again and I’m not having too much pain or problems with my body. I have an interview for a job this coming week. A JOB, WHAT? Yes, I might make money and not feel so bad buying myself food and/or fun things when I have bills to pay…
So why haven’t I gotten any awesome hobbies by now?
I don’t know what my talents are, that’s why. And even if I did, whose going to fund them? I mean, I cleaned my room and redecorated/ organized it. I guess you can call that a hobby, but it lasted for one or two days, laugh out loud. I feel so pathetic. I mean, I occasionally cook dinner and make juice and almond milk. I guess you can call that a hobby too? But these things are every day events, run of the meal type of stuff, you make food to eat, to survive.
Why am I not happy that I’m probably going to have a full year’s plus “vacation”?
Because I want to do something for my life. And as I type that I think, “what a silly ass thing to say.” My health comes first before I can do anything else– I’ve had that obvious point shoved in my face already. I’m trying to take care of myself by eating well. I’m not even approved to workout soooo yah that’s just another thing healthy people can do that I’m “no” listed for.
So why don’t I understand that I am doing something by regaining my health, strength?
Because that’s not what people around me are doing or expect of me…
My thoughts are endless on this topic, but I’ll end them now for your sake. I just want happiness and when I’m not happy I don’t want to pretend that I am happy.