Milestone Birthday

Somewhat recently, I completed another year of my life. I’m trying really hard to Not think that I have lost another year of my life but instead that I have gained another year of my life. It’s like looking at the cup half full.

I haven’t reached my midway life crisis, perhaps my quarter life crisis (nah, jk), but this most recent birthday was still a major milestone for me.

At least I thought it would have been.

Back in January I sat in my grandparents living room looking out their bay window. I had my iPod playing music (without the head phones) and I just swiveled back and forth in the comfy chair looking at the dead street and back at my grandmother’s interior design.

My grandmother supplied me with my blankets, my foot stool, my dinner table tray, and all the snacks and beverages I could handle.

My grandfather would come in and out of the house working on projects and once in a while would take a seat in another chair across from me.

One of these times he took a seat I asked if my music bothered him and he of course said, “no, not a problem.” And we just sat there.

How did I end up here?

Will it get better?

When will it get better?

These are the thoughts I had pondered in that living room.

I came up with an answer to that last question and declared that I was not going to get back to my “new normal” until I turned my next age…all  the way to my next age. Fall seemed so far away. Snowfall just started to become heavy meaning I still had to get through Spring and Summer until Fall came by. My birthday, my new age, my “new normal” seemed so far away.

So there it was. I had an answer. And I lived my life hoping and wishing that once my birthday rolled around I would live a life again.

moms photos 070
A picture after my fistula was confirmed.

But that darn fistula happened. I about died when I woke up realizing something wasn’t right. I immediately went to Google and typed my symptoms in and clicked on Mayo Clinic…I diagnosed myself with a fistula and from there I began to explain to the doctors that I had one.

And here I am still explaining to the doctors that I think it still needs time to heal.

How did I end up here?

Will it get better?

When will it get better?

moms photos 074
simple frustrations

Here I am again.

Life loves to do that to us.

I didn’t get my milestone birthday, but I am learning to live a satisfying life in circumstances that I don’t like and that’s familiar.

We all learn to live with circumstances we don’t like. Before my illness, I still didn’t like how parts of my life were. And that’s how life is (there is something we would like to change even if it’s unchangeable)…We just need to let ourselves learn and do the things that will make our lives satisfying to us– no matter what.

Thank you for reading.



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