Direction for My New Year


Thinking back, thinking further back, thinking ahead, thinking further ahead…where is my mind?

I never imagined that I would experience life-threatening complications from a chronic illness*. Heck I had no idea I had a chronic illness brewing inside of my body all of my life and that it would awaken ferociously in the middle of my 21st summer.

These experiences haunt me. Even the non-life-threatening but quality of life threatening complications make me shiver inside with fear**.

I’m definitely not the same person I was before this illness. My eyes were forcefully opened to experience a world I knew nothing about. I have more knowledge, but I won’t truly change as a person until I use my expanded knowledge of people with chronic illnesses. I am one of those people now. Most days I can’t believe I belong to this world, but I absolutely do.

Since I can’t change all that has happened I have to settle for the “trade-off “of living with a chronic illness, living in a “new” world. The “trade-off” is the harsh reality that life is precious. That moments do go wasted when you don’t act how you wish you would.

I realize that I have a mental album of my weakest moments either when my body was failing or when my mind could not bear the drastic change of everything. My ulcerative colitis museum keeps this “trade-off” alive within me. Deep down in my bones I know that life is precious and how I spend each day is my life.

I have my personal ideas of what my faults are, but I have not found a way to either accept that they are not faults or change them.

In a way, change happens on its own time. We can’t dictate when we will gain that five lbs of muscle or when we get that well-paying job that we love going to. We can only try each day to do whatever it takes to get where we want to go. But we can’t get caught-up in our progress or lack there of. Our paths are ever-changing and when there is change involved we don’t know when the right path will show up. Try, Try, Try,  and Never Give Up.

*toxic megacolon and high-grade bowel obstruction
**pouch-vaginal fistula and peristomal skin irritation

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